So I have been very much putting off posting. I realise that the longer I wait to post something, the less likely it is that I will end up posting.
Also i am reading chelectricity's posts and she is having a damn good time on the other side of the world and i don't think my happenings are really very exciting compared to climbing arnold shwortsnigga mountains. Stupid last name, i decided to spell it phonetically as any 19 year old kindergarten student would.
Anyway so how have you been Penna!?
How is uni, what are you studying, what is life like now that you are back to normal Penna like you were just before January this year began to make you a big fat emotional screw up.
Well! I am so back on track and it is insanely good. Not that I enjoy studying, or am in any way successful at it.
Nope, im already horribly behind and spend a lot more time ‘cleaning up’ and dancing to music than I do at my desk.
I also sleep on my desk, and study on my bed. It works better this way since I have more motivation to do something when i am not meant to be doing it. So i can only sleep when I'm meant to be studying and vice versa.
Anyways, the difference between being a shitty student and being a quitter student is that I have made a decision to do a science degree and come out as a maths or chemistry teacher, so I've progressed from quitter to shitty.
It was a profession I was always bent on doing as a kid, then I got unexpectedly high marks at school and thought it was ‘beneath me’ to be a teacher.
Stuff you, ego.
Whatever excuses I made for ‘wanting to do something harder than teaching’, like ‘oh I want to reach my full potential’ etc were all lies to avoid the truth that I thought I was made for bigger and better things.
I now have a goal that is reachable for a normal human being like i now see i am. I also have a crapload of units to catch up on, since I started mid year and want to double major in chemistry and maths. I have to do summer school, meaning I cant go away. I will live with Georgia at the flat again, and study on the beach.
Last time I did that I got sand through my calculator and it now tells me everything I enter is an error.
I am still jittery and anxious because that is the way I will always be but deep down I have a huge peace with God. I realise that the struggle that time ago was necessary. I don’t even know why, but it has made me come out a more realistic, less perfectionistic person.
Perfection lies in the other world, not this one, and it burns us out to become nuts over searching it. God gives wisdom and understanding in his own time.
Even now, I could stress as I used to about study, about being a teacher, my flaws, how I’d hate this and that about it, about next year and who I live with and things.
But I sort of entrust it to God. It doesn’t provide a solution to your search to trust in God; he wont drop a lightbulb on your face. But being in the dark means he wants you to wait for him to lead you out eventually, but not when you choose. Half the time you don’t even know what is happening til after its happened. Like now. Why cant I concentrate on any of my work?
I am seriously so slow in the brain. I am doing stuff I aced in year 11 and taking a whole day to get through 1 question.
Plus this is meant to be a degree that is below my level, according to HSC.
Does he want me to learn humility?
I don’t know. I am just gonna plod on and I will see later on, looking back. You don’t have to know how God is taking care of you, for him to take care of you.
Ohhhhhhhh hahaha crap. Im going to the warrane ball. Crap. Why do I get myself in these situations. I hate getting dressed up. I will have to find a dress and argh my hair these days
That fringe is growing out BUT ITS GROWING STRAIGHT how the HELL could straightening it all of last year make the dna change permanantly….!
So last night I was a bit hyperactive and jittery and I was just eating a carrot at 3am and solving my rubix cube when all of a sudden I hear the washing machine song whining away. And I think, ok someone broke into creston to do their washing. I better go save the day and reduce our water costs by busting them.
So I get up from sitting on the heater and put on a couple of jumpers and venture out of my room
Oh wait I give up on that story
Its really late and im tired as anything
This is quite an imcomplete post
Let me quickly tell you some other things. It wont take long I promise because currently my hand is close to getting a cramp because the laptop is in a weird spot on my pillow and its awkward typing. I could move it but yeah no
Ummm things
So
1. I’m now officially a gym junkie; I go for an hour a day and im sort of addicted and could potentially end up spending the majority of my day there if im not careful and then il come out in summer time with protruding ribs.
2. I go til Im close to fainting. If I don’t use up all the energy I have I don’t sleep that night, so I really have no choice. Like today, I didn’t get to go, so now my brain and eyes are tired as shit but my legs wont stop moving; I feel like sprinting.
3. I am so incredibly grateful for my friends. I still wonder how it is that a little boring self conscious awkward introvert like me could be given such a deep level of friendship with people whose characters are so beautiful.
4. I have no friends at uni as of yet. I go into my lectures biased though; I purposely sit apart from them all.
5. The only time I decided to be sociable, I ended up talking to an indie girl who immediately jumped on the fact that I quit medicine, told me she is desperately spending her energy on getting in, and told me I am an idiot for losing this opportunity that only comes to a select few of the world.
6. We had an hour d and m on life and then we parted; me leaving her with doubt about her decision to do medicine, and her leaving me with doubt about my decision to leave it. Neither of us even exchanged names, we just said bye and all the best. Hah weird. I went home and punched the pillow and ate a carrot, and did a few pushups; I was angry at myself for quitting medicine.
7. Party this weekend, shit what do I wear what do I get for a gift
8. Warrane ball in a few weekends, shit why did I say yes, what do I wear, how do I act sociable and walk in heels, how do I do my hair
9. Im behind in my work, im behind in my work argh I wake up feeling guilty but hey its ok just keep working; im slow but my brain will catch up; put more effort come on penna
10. That’s it im going to sleep
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