Vodka

Last night I got a bit tipsy on 10 shots of straight 40% vodka, Polish-style. Most relaxed I had felt in ages, and it was just that "people fix" that I'd needed, given I'd spent a whole month with 99% of the words coming from my mouth directed to a single person in fairly unsubstantial conversation. It was a house get-together thing with Anna's extended family and I had thought to put everyone at ease again, since they they really did deserve it from all the stress the day before. "The day before" is the day I will always remember as the absolute worst day of this European holiday. The day shit went so down. Whose fault? Still debatable. Effects still present and tension still there.

Back to last night. Not saying no to refills. Being loud and funny and telling jokes. Awkwardly laughing at the jokes about the day before, even though it still wasn't that funny. Being happy with simple conversations. Finally saying (as opposed to "showing") some of the stuff I thought, as I had never done all month. Defending and justifying myself a bit for previous actions and adding a laugh at the end. Going to sleep in the wee hours as usual, but this time having an attributable reason. Tire myself out a bit so as to have an uninterrupted night's sleep afterwards. Wake up feeling like crap but this time being able to attribute it to a small hangover instead. I'm well aware that I gave all this up months ago. It isn't happiness. It's a temporary bandaid to cover up, and it isn't the kind of life I've chosen to live.

This morning I woke up and got dressed but found that Anna had gone ahead again so I had a late breakfast with her aunt and uncle instead. It was pretty interesting given that they don't speak a word of English and literally all I know how to say is yes, no, cheers, and thank you in Polish. I like the word no because it sounds like you're saying "nyeh". Can't even for the life of me pronounce "hello". They're very nice people and I appreciate all their gestures of kindness. Watched some Polish Pinnochio followed by a cartoon about talking animals in outer space for a couple of hours and spent the entire day in this room, literally just sitting. Feeling so embarrassed and awkward here. I'm constantly wondering what everyone is thinking and saying about me. I know they don't have the full stories and it's killing me not being able to justify myself. I'm not just being paranoid because there have been inconsistencies so just trust me on this one.

Far out! Anna really hates me. So now I hate it. It feels so uncomfortable, I can't stress it enough. I really want to cut Poland short and see my crazy friends in Spain, but with such late notice I won't because I'll look ungrateful, and I promise I'm not. I love her family and get along so well with them. 

If I personally gave you this blog link, it means I really do trust you and please please don't think any less of me for what I've written down as my thoughts. You might have realised that my side of the blog is changing a lot in tone and subject matter. It's becoming a blog I never intended for it to be and it's getting harder and harder for me to click publish. If I even do, it's now always days late, I've realised. But something stops me from deleting all my posts. Why don't I keep a password protected one on my laptop - I know that's the obvious answer. One half of the answer is that I need to write and this is the most consistent I've ever been with a diary and I can't just stop again.