Hellooooo
What. What? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Chuffin and nuffin.
The world is your oyster, someone told me very dreamily and oh so wisely a few days ago.
Yes, it is an oyster. Only the rich like it, its overrated, its sort of circular in shape. And it stinks. Get a life; but get yourself the life you’re already in before you go thinking what you don’t have is better than what you do.
Okay there’s my critical little blurb, sorry to all the dreamy explorers of the world. The world has heaps of cool stuff in it, I’m sure its great.
But you see I used to care, and now I don’t. Because true freedom is hidden in our ‘trapped’ world; the one we have right here and right now. The one I’m always trying to get out of in order to be ‘free’, to be somewhere else better. But I have never really been happy, and maybe that’s why- this SOMETHING ELSE, this huge looming voice that continuously says ‘you are doing this all wrongly, do SOMETHING ELSE’ is actually WRONG. The freedom is that no matter where you are in life, you can choose to take it positively.
End of rant.
On a sort of related plane, time management.
You know how people often say the more they have to do the more free time they have? …………...No?...…ok
Neither have I.
What am I saying? I’ll just say it. I mean that when you have heaps to do, you sort of get into a ‘roll’ of doing them, you feel smooth, efficient, intelligent, a little James Bond-y.
Opposite is when you have nothing to do. You become sluggish, and you are ABLE to do less. Your brain becomes confused, inefficient.
As the the ‘To-Do’ lists diminish, perfectionism and restlessness rise.
That’s why I took so long to blog anything on this page.
I wrote, rewrote, wondered if it was too long or too short, wondered if it was boring or not correct, ended up deleting it all, knowing I’d have time to write another.
I’ve been just sort of bumming; walking a lot, seeing some friends, watching movies, bike riding, sitting. It takes me a long time to do anything.
I went to try and buy shoes at kmart. (Ermm, not for me, for my friend- I buy mine from Prada).
It took me 2 hours- I narrowed it to two pairs and was getting ridiculously riled up about which to get.
‘Half the price, ugly purple lesbian style
vs
Double price, ugly, converse-look-alike, less lesbian but still masculine’
Wait! I’m too bogan. Get some flats. Ew no they’re so restricting, you cant run to the bus stop in them. Get comfy converse, be free! Don’t be restricted by social norms. No, you’re too old for converse, they’re twelvie material. Ok im getting the purple lesbian ones. Ew no. So which ones? They’re all crappy here. Go to some other shop? No, they’re too expensive. I have to save for travel. Kmart is my only option. What do I need again? Far out its hot in here! My face is all flushed. Turn off this mp3 its killing my brain.’
I am standing in socks with lots and lots of size 10 shoes scattered around me.
There is this one girl who keeps trying to come into my aisle to look for converse shoes, but awkwardly sees im still here taking up the whole space and unconvincingly pretends to be needing slippers instead.
I’ve been here for an hour.
‘Buy any pair. It doesn’t matter. Ok so which? Saying that a decision doesn’t matter doesn’t give you a solution. THEY’RE JUST BLOODY SHOES! YOU ARE PATHETIC, YOU CAN’T EVEN BUY SHOES.’
Start sweating.
Girl hovers again. Piss off! Ok Penna dearest. Pretend you’re all cool, put up another of your shows.
Stop your brain. Numbly pick up a pair, any pair, DON’T THINK ABOUT IT and go to counter (Self serve. Avoid having to worry about what the cashier thinks about my size 10 feet).
Leave.
Put on mp3, full blast. Concentrate on the shapes and colours of the music, it always stops your continuous monologue. Go home on bus; if you can’t choose to think peaceful thoughts, block them all. Now I’m either numb, or overloaded anxious.
Get home, realise you don’t even fit this pair; they’re size 9.
People usually blog their hobbies? My hobbies are not really much. They involve getting through everyday things.
Eg, I leave the apartment holding my phone and wallet. I sit at the bus stop waiting, still holding my phone and wallet. I get onto the bus, still holding my phone and wallet. I dip the ticket, sit.
I realise my phone I am holding is actually the tv remote control.
I pretend I’ve taken it to fix it so I don’t look like an idiot to the other bus people, and I take out the batteries, peering into the battery compartment.
To be fair, I’d been in an alternate life that morning, imagining myself as a physiotherapist.
Its alright! I’ve taken steps to be more immersed in my beautiful life around me here in Australia. I’m going to canberra for a week to stay with my friends, (stealing my sister’s car to drive down; she’s da bomb. So is the car- a bomb I mean). And right now, I’m partying hard in Newcastle…
…In my tracksuit and with a cup of tea on the sofa.
I call it baby steps.
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