Feedback and decisions

Wow London, you've really outdone yourself.

Today's exactly my one month point of traveling. I'm currently on a 17 hour coach journey - I'm so excited - so much to do, so much to think back on! In a few minutes I'm going to cross the channel separating England and France. Going back to France, leaving the busy London life (though I've loved it). I've figured that in general there are "sight-seeing" cities, and there are "doing" cities, and for me London definitely fell under the latter category. It's a huge city: I've loved what I experienced of it: finally watched Wicked, at Apollo Theatre; bike riding at Hyde Park; art galleries contemporary and classical; concertos; parties; even just cooking a hearty dinner for housemates with standard meat, starch, veggies (such a Yarra kitchen girl). When I come back here I'll be sure to watch Shakespeare, preferably Macbeth, at the original Globe theatre; I'll go to the Jane Austen centre; see some countryside; see Bath and Brighton. For a Sydney-sider, London's really not a culture shock at all. It looks pretty similar. The feel is nothing too out of the ordinary, except that you have to force yourself to walk on the right side of the footpath so someone doesn't "kiss their teeth" at you.

If it really is more of a "doing" city then, I'd say that your fun-ness rating is more dependent (slightly more so than the "sight-seeing" countries) on who you're with and what you yourself make of it. I met the most curious people in London. A house of 10+ Aussies, all here for curious reasons.. I was lucky in that I got to see two girls again who I count amongst some of my best friends, and I got to meet two cousins from London for the first time, who really did make my experience worthwhile. My cousins are crazy and from one perspective it's apparently obvious that we're related because we're "spontaneous, outgoing and talkative". What a laugh, I don't even know what to make of it, and I cringe when I have to think about how true it is and if so, in which contexts.

Anyway, I definitely do recommend a local to show you around cities. They've been my best travel experiences so far. When I get back, I'm going to make myself useful in Sydney and study it even better so I know it as well as my cousins knew London. I have come to realise that I actually have no proper sense of spatial direction, and it's not coming with age. Throughout this trip, I've relied so much on asking for directions from randoms, and following street signs. I only like maps if it's electronic and a blinking blue light in it constantly indicates to me whether I'm going in the right direction or not. Oh my need for continuous feedback. It's pretty much needed for practically everything I do, every decision I make, big or small. Am I doing this right? The problem with this is that so much of life is can't be known with certainty. We can't know the future (newsflash, hah). But I can't progress until I know I'm right so far, and if I'm not certain, I stop. I remain stuck at the same point, or even go backwards to see where it went wrong, and it all goes in circles in my head. I've lacked perseverance at so many points in my life, especially when a lack of feedback is mixed with a learning curve or if progress isn't quantitatively measurable. The bigger problem is that when that feedback is bad, I'm almost sure to give up. 

My strong need for feedback is also why Google's been so important to me after every argument, certain decisions. I shouldn't care so much. When it's advice from people, at times I have absolutely no intention of following through their feedback or advice, but really value their input anyway. That's incessant pride, I know. Some of the best advice I read years ago: if ever you're stuck on a simple yes or no decision, ask someone else's opinion -not because you will necessarily take it, but because the moment they voice their answer, you might know at that instant, just a little bit of whether you're disappointed with their answer or not. Bear in mind that this can't ever be used with important decisions of ethics or facts. Such matters are not generally subjective at all, and so the little game can't be applied and we have to consult specialised advice. 

For Spain, a decision is made! How do I feel? Good! Disappointed. Both... I'm resigned to it and slightly more at peace now because I know myself that I did absolutely everything I could to go through with it. But the decision in my head had gone on for far longer than it should have; it should have been completed in Australia. The challenge was an exhilarating whirlwind at times but it eventually failed. But this time, it's not because of a lack of effort on my part. It wasn't completely a barrier of my own making this time. I feel disappointed, and even angry with the waste of time, money, effort, mental energy that it consumed in me for so long, for something that eventually failed. Annoyed, because now I need a new game plan. Scoping out more and more options in my head.

Another not funny/interesting post (seriously)

The other day, I started off fighting with Anna about something stupid and we spent the entire tube rides well away from each other before I collected myself again. I'm traveling with the girl for two months, we have to get along! My pasta had leaked all over my backpack as well, but we continued with the plan to our London walking tour which began at the Wellington Arch near Hyde Park. I was relieved really - I could spend the next three hours blending in and following a crowd of 20 people and not feel obligated to talk! But no, turns out that if you look like you're by yourself in these kinds of tours, fellow travelers like to use this opportunity to chat up, so I didn't get the peace I wanted and spent the majority of the tour trying to look completely engrossed in the tour guide's words, or amused by some old building or Monopoly-referenced street sign.

Afterwards Anna and I decided to tour ourselves through Westminster in search for food but I was desperate to get to Mass. Harder than I thought! Everything seems to be Church of England. Ended up having to catch the tube to get to Westminster Church (not to be confused with the now Anglican Westminster Abbey). We'd missed Mass already but I was still super excited to be able to do prayer because I really needed to collect myself. Alas we were sent away just as I was about to start because the Cathedral was to close. But it would re-open again at 7pm for the Grand Organ Concert's 7:30pm start so we decided to hang around at the Zara store nearby until then.

Promptly at 7pm I tried to get in but the elegant-looking lady wouldn't let me in because I told her I wasn't there for the concert. I tried three times to get in, telling her and the security guards that I was Catholic and it was my basic human right to go in there for prayer just for thirty minutes, thinking they'd somehow let me in. Each time I was sent away, I swore so loudly on my way out, that I'm pretty sure they seriously doubted I was actually Catholic.

After trying to cool down a bit (through more swearing, of course), I figured, I actually wanted to go to the Organ concert! How cool would that be? A grand organ concert, free of charge, in an old English Cathedral in London! By now, I'm pretty sure Anna was really embarrassed to be with me that she came in separately. I walked straight up to the elegant-looking lady, smiled politely, and told her that I now wished to attend the Organ concert. She asked whether I was serious, and that I would not be allowed out half way. "Of course", I replied graciously. She smiled equally as politely, and handed me a programme.

There were two symphonies, Tchaikovsky's Symphony No. 4, Op. 36, and Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring - both transcribed for the organ. In total, they were practically movie-length. It was my first ever live symphony and it was so so worthwhile, and pretty much was the best way to end such a hard day. I loved the Cathedral organ's richness and majesty, doing justice to some great orchestral works, its capabilities in terms of its range.. 

Disclaimer: I'm no music critic (nor art/philosophy critic for that matter, in reference to any past and future posts). I can't break down pieces into their musical components or whatever, and I wouldn't be able to sing you back those tunes I heard, but I sometimes do know my personal end results; what I take away from it all.

I loved that I didn't have to direct my thinking for the whole hour and a half, or have to pay close attention the whole time. I could apply my own scenes. I could zone out completely, and still appreciate the rest of the piece because it was still working in me without me being completely conscious of it. This attention deficit I've been having is why films don't work on me anymore, why they haven't for a while. I loved that after the organ concert, I didn't even have to discuss my interpretation of it. I could satisfy other people's questions by just saying "it was beautiful" when someone asks, and they won't press you for more. I didn't even have to specify my favourite bit, you know - that post-movie conversation, "that part when's", etc. as is customary small-talk after having just watched a film with others.

Serviam.

Generally, everything moderately successful that's been invented has been patented with the goal of making life easier. That's what we humans naturally gear towards. Nobody in their right mind makes toast with a Bunsen burner if there were a toaster right beside them.

Meanwhile it's so much easier to go around Piccadilly shopping and touring yourself. But at the same time it's so easy to get caught in selfishness in such a situation because you're not constantly thinking of the other's wants or needs. Whether they're hungry, they even like this shop or not, what they think of you when you take forever in the change rooms with a huge pile and end up buying nothing, etc.

I started the day early with few hours sleep but went to morning Mass and prepared myself with a bit of coffee. I'd planned to make this a good day this time. No snapping or swearing. Patience was the theme of the day. Even though we have completely different tastes in fashion, remember Rochelle that you're not in Europe to shop anyway. Just accompany quietly and compliment. Better yet, laugh, ask questions, be enthusiastic! Don't get caught sitting around with earphones again (though you may do so when she's safely out of sight). This is so good for me.

Say sorry more. Change the subject when you see where it's heading. Drop the argument. Avoid conflict! Place less importance on your opinion unless it's to do with ethical/moral/doctrinal matters, and even then proceed with caution. Leave gossip and crude conversations promptly.

I came across this sign outside a restaurant today. But what if you do just a little bit less of what makes you happy, and more of what makes others happy? You'll ironically find yourself happier. I remember this idea being outright rejected in a psych tutorial once when we were discussing treatments in how to grow in modesty/humility. Too depressing, they said. The Christian way of life sees happiness where others sometimes see unnecessary pain. These little deeds, these sacrifices, could appear outwardly masochistic ("to the untrained eye", hah). But for me masochistic means that pleasure is derived from the experiencing of suffering, and this should never be the case. The mere intention of making it supernatural means that these deeds couldn't be further from the definition of masochism, because a supernatural intention completely changes the meaning of the suffering, and makes it something truly worthwhile and even useful.

Something for the rest of us

After a successful day being good and shopping around London with a friend today, I attempted to treat myself by spending the rest of the evening retreating at the local park.

Listened to "Iris" and remembered exactly why Goo Goo Dolls used to be my favourite band two years ago. Proceeded to listen to all their songs, new and old, in my iPod with the occasional odd repeat. Their new(ish) album actually isn't as bad as I thought, shouldn't compare it to Dizzy Up too much.

Kind of liked this song.

"Soldier"

When you came back I knew you'd have a story
You need someone to ease the pain of living life
You're like a soldier in the fray, seeking shelter
from all the madness that you've seen raining down now

I know things change, your world has slipped away
I know things change, but you're living like a soldier who's caught in the fray
Don't lose your faith, it's not so cold, it's not too late

When you were naive you were so invincible
and you laughed at anyone and anything that ever got in your way
But now the mirror shows the change and you don't see that
you're sinking back into the crowd, an echo fading

I know things change, your world has slipped away
I know things change, but you're living like a soldier who's caught in the fray
Don't lose your faith, it's not so cold, it's not too late

And I never thought I'd see
you living on your knees
A slave to some disease
that holds you captive

And you can look inside of me
but the answers that you seek
and everything you need
is all inside you

I know things change, your world has slipped away
I know things change, but you're living like a soldier who's caught in the fray
Don't lose your faith, it's not so cold, it's not too late

Good Life

"Woke up in London yesterday, found myself in a city near Piccadilly don't really know how I got here…"

That was me today! Except I know how exactly how I got here - caught the red double decker bus number 11 so that song could keep playing in my head and I could see what the singer was on about. 

Before I'd gone to the consulate with an almost complete stranger today, I had planned to meet my friends anywhere of their choice, with my only request being that the place be somewhere "iconically London". When it was time to finally meet I snapped and backed out on the phone and made myself purposely uncontactable for the rest of the day.. just because a plan hadn't been made, I think. Why snap? Been in a bit of a bitchy mood these past few days. Tried to attribute it to rainy "London weather"! jk there's a heat wave.

 If I were them I wouldn't have had a plan either. After that call I sat in Starbucks thinking up a plan for an hour and then giving up the planning and taking the next bus to anywhere. Plans complicate everything. You just end up anticipating, and then you break when a minor detail goes wrong, which it often does. I tried to get to Piccadilly with that red double decker but ended up following the tourist couple in front of me to get off a few stops earlier at Trafalgar Square anyway. Okay not that relevant.

I took myself to the National Art Gallery of London, where I stayed right up until it closed and I'd still not seen everything in it. 

This stuff was the kind of art I liked. Monet, Manet, Raphael, Titian, Michelangelo, da Vinci, Matisse, Cezanne, Picasso, Van Gogh, Boticelli. Oil paintings, Renaissance, impressionism - hundreds of years old, capturing things that have fascinated everyone universally. Facial expressions, people, nature, Christianity. I particularly love Van Gogh - I'm going to study his life one day. He was untrained and unappreciated all throughout his life, lived so poorly, contemplated priesthood, yet he could paint like no other. He just perceived the world differently, literally - he suffered from epilepsy and psychotic attacks, and I love that we can experience just a bit of what he saw. The same simple subjects, just stroked on a bit differently, yet still recognisable (pay attention Picasso).

I loved Monet of course. His experimenting with different lighting, studying the composition of light and colour in water and simple floral gardens. I loved that I got to see his actual house and garden, Giverny, while I was in France, so I had a comparison. To be honest, I couldn't draw direct comparisons. The garden was stunning sure, but Monet really did make it his own.

I compared this with Degas' "Beach Scene". The scene was completely imaginary! He didn't have a direct physical model in front of him, which I think is pretty clever. I also love his ballerina dancer series, where he could emphasise beautiful movements using pastel through textures and blurry contours.

To funk it up a bit, there were these cool peep show perspective boxes by a Dutchman, van Hoogstraten. It was a play on optics and perspective, giving the illusion of a 3D interior of a Dutch house. It forces you to move your eye at the right angle through the peep hole to get a better view, like how our eyes would do it naturally. Genius.

Art galleries are cool because it's that place you can wander around aimlessly, mapless, and still manage to not look like you're completely lost to the strangers around you.

(Christina) Hello UNSW! Have we met...?

24/07/2013

Dear Google,

I have been communicating with you quite frequently as of late, and I wanted to just let you know that I feel your input into our friendship is not adequate.

I ask important, detailed questions and I expect accurate and comprehensive advice in return.

I have asked you question after question, for example, ‘what do I do with my life’, and ‘how to get over yourself and help others’ and ‘how to stop thinking and start acting’ etc.

Your replies just aren’t personal enough, I’m sorry to say. Too many forums with others asking the same questions and no ready made answers. Please do something about this or I will have to consult a human instead.

Sincerely,

Penna Banana

SO anyways. Back to reality.

I have like a billion bags just sitting around the apartment. Luckily no one is at home so I can pack as I usually do; by emptying everything everywhere, using up heaps and heaps of room, and eventually putting it back together in some sort of temporary ‘order’ in bags.

I thought, OK! I can have one bag for tops, one for pants etc, but then I realised my jumpers needed one and a half bags, so it messed up the whole system and now theres a bit of everything in each bag. No clue where anything is.

I have to somehow take all these bags to creston.

Don’t have a car, don’t have a bus ticket.

I was fully planning on doing 3 or 4 walking trips but its bloody cold outside.

ARGH ok let me just go for it.

*** ***

Okay so several hours later im back.

Just took a while figuring it out like one of those brain teasers, and was thinking of how to take the bags in the minimum amount of trips possible; found it was 3.

Which meant one trip was 2 huge bags AND my guitar. I thought I may as well start with the hardest load. So there I was with 2 hands and 3 handles to carry trying to get to randwick for a bus ticket.

Several swear words and embarrassing falls later I get to creston. It’s a bit sad moving my stuff from the apartment back to uni. 

And feels like I'm going backwards in my life to be moving back into the same college, starting a new degree for the 3rd time and knowing I've wasted 2 years of your life due to my lack of motivation for living, stuck, in the imperfect real world that everyone else lives in, preferring my entertaining thoughts that can take me anywhere. 
All the while, I am waiting for a piano to fall on me; that huge event that I expect to instantly change me, and set me in my place in life, curing me from searching.

Am i ever going to stick with anything? Or keep on my toes for want of THE PATH in life i am 'perfectly suited to' which in reality probably doesn't exist? Hah, i know the answer. 

It relates to faith in God. And it means I have to have humility and patience to be okay with the PROGRESS at the pace He allows. To start where I am and live in the skin I've been given.
I just have to keep up my apparently unfruitful attempts at living fully present for others, ignoring my incessant restlessness that has been with me my entire life.

Going to bed. Goodnight.

*** ***

25/07/2013

New day! Today I am transforming my life. Into a normal woman instead of a pathetic hermit. Gonna learn how to use make up and buy some, and then set up my room at Creston College really decoratively instead of blank walls like my rooms of the past 19 years of my life (never occurred to me that it was necessary to make it look good)

THEN force UNSW to fit me into their overflowing music class

TONIGHT go out to the new Coco Cubano car tonight on campus with my friends for some chitchat over a smooth wine; sitting under dimmed lighting in the classy bar of warm wooden and brass tones. Crossed legs, hair in place, slow jazz.

I enjoy imagining that scene more than living it actually, cos in reality I’d probably get caught up wondering if the people on the inside of this bar act the same as they do Monday to Friday outside the bar, or if they adapt their behaviour to match the scene;

and then I’d lose track of my friends’ conversation.

How the hell was I even blessed with such incredibly good hearted friends I will never know, but I thank God for it every day, and I hope that they will not see how pathetic I am and leave me.

I still have one subject left to take at uni. Trying to expand my interests; see if there is this perfect subject area that I absolutely love that I haven't discovered yet. Maybe im artsy not sciencey…? I've always done science because its safe and i know i can do it, but the arts are more interesting. Science only gets interesting with the higher levels of physics- relativity and shit.

So far: chemistry, music, psychology, maybeeee physics…?

ADIOS, MACBOOK AIR

BIENVENIDA, REAL LIFE

Time

They say there's always a time and a place for everything. Isn't it crazy how much it influences everything? Today we went to Camden Markets and I saw the dude behind me get completely drenched when the wind blew and water splashed all over him from the marquee roof. It fell only on him. He'd just gotten there, and the water could have fallen at another spot or time, and not splashed on anyone (thereby saving me from laughing hysterically and appearing rude…) Jokes aside, I always wonder how certain things could have gone, better or worse, if it had happened at ever just a slightly earlier or later moment. Because so many other things - important things, people's lives sometimes - depend on such insignificant random events.

Forget the wish to go back in time! Imagine if we could predict just a step ahead. If we could train our instincts to know exactly when to say certain things to people to achieve the desired effect. To know how to instinctively integrate and account for various factors like mood, sugar/energy level, hunger, context, so perfectly that you can say the "right" things at exactly the right time. Give that perfect piece of advice that that person needs then and there. How to phrase things in a way that they'll listen. Now that's a talent that if I had, I would feel like the richest person alive. But there's a downside to such a talent. What if that perfect mood formula never comes, and you're still waiting? Sometimes that opportunity would never come and you've just lost an opportunity to at least get even a part of your idea across because of your stupid need to phrase things "perfectly" and say them at the "perfect" time.

Wow I sound like a brainwashing control-freak Nazi so I'll just leave it there.

It's time to begin isn't it na na na na na na

Responsibility

Our traveling group separated today one at a time, as our various flights were all at 3 hour intervals from each other. I was the second-last to leave, and Caren and I spent most of the afternoon picnicking at the beautiful St Stephen's park in Dublin. We watched the swans, the ugly ducklings; we talked, and watched people. There's a heat wave, and we loved it because it had that Aussie summer feel to it. I'm really going to miss these two girls, they've just been the best and we all got along so well even though it was just three weeks.

Now I'm on the flight to London. New sights, new journey! And new struggles. I've been trying to mentally prepare myself ever since the flight attendant made me turn off my phone and stop blogging a little while ago.

I don't know how to act. Is it better to prepare myself or do I just go with the flow? The latter has always worked for me. It can potentially work again, and will be the much easier path. It's kind of like alcohol: I feel a little bit nervous/anticipating but I know that when we meet at the airport in a few minutes I'll forget the bad stuff, it would probably be like old times. I'll be light-hearted and even forgetful of everything.

But this has to be different because now I know these ten days could be my only chance to make the difference I want to make. And the result I want is radical, even impossible in such a short time span. But so absolutely vital, more important than so many things in this world, and I must not take it lightly. This is my wrong I have to right.

How to approach. With an open mind, with no judgements. That's what the right answer is. HOW. I wish I could just forget my prejudices. They shouldn't even be there in the first place! There might be a fuller story I don't know. I wish I had the personality that could do it with more ease. There's so much information I wish I never knew before I started this challenge, because it's going to be in the back of mind alll the time, and the hardest is if you have to hold some of it back from someone that used to know so much of what was that was there.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Spain

Okay I'm going to go home in September. I've been trying to get hold of the Spanish Consulate for the past hour, and all they do is keep passing me on to another number or faulty address or broken link and eventually hanging up on me, fecking retards. (That's how they say it in Ireland).

Top of the mornin' to ya. 

(Christina) Pizza or stroganoff? and stuff

17/07/2013

Did you know people in coffee shops don’t like it if you take their plastic forks?

It was very sneakily done I feel, I swiped it smoothly; and felt a pair of eyes burning my back. I turned around to see a waiter murdering me with his glare. I felt bad. I slyly looked to see if they had an eftpos machine, and they didn’t.

So I casually ordered a coffee, knowing that waiter was watching me, and on the verge of shooting me.

Then I asked the barista if they took card, and after he said no, I acted dissapointed and said sorry thanks, I don’t have cash. Bye. Don’t look at the waiter.

At least it looked like I was intending on buying something there so he could rest his suspicious mind.

I’d bought a chilli tuna can from coles for lunch, trying to be all healthy and all. I was at Wynyard station, bumming for a few minutes while my train to Penrith was arriving. Hurry up.

I’d just gone to St Patrick’s 10:30am mass at Wynyard and having seen two people I know there, I had run out at the end fairly fast before they saw me, doing the typical mental debate over whether i should face my social fears and say hello or leave.

But yes, I left. Then felt terrible that I had focussed on such a silly question, and consequently missed the whole point of being at church.

You know what, Penna!? No one gets as stuck on things and thinks as much as you.

Let go a bit!

Why do you have to complicate the most simple things?

State of origin tonight! Yeahhhh bru. Not really all that keen, i don't know the rules.

I’ll gladly watch it though, since my flatmate loves it and I don’t want to dampen her spirits.

19/07/2013

Laaaa di da di da. No schedule.

Okay, a to-do list:

1.    Go get blood test at kingsford

2.    Visit yarraton, say prayers

3.    Figure out about uni enrollment mix up at student central

4.    Go for bike ride over lunchtime/arvo

5.    Clean up, make nice dinner for g and g

6.    Go to mass at 5:40pm

7.    Eat dinner

What should I study? Chemistry, music. That’s all I know so far. Perhaps I should take physics. But that might be pain for no reason.

Astronomy would be tops.

Zoology would be cool too. Wait, no that would be boring.

Who invented the line, ‘just do whatever you want to do’? It causes a lot of pain, because it is assumed that doing what you ‘want’ is the easiest thing; surely everyone knows what they enjoy.

No, its easier instead to have what you ‘have to do’ laid out infront of you, where your only task is to try to get through it, instead of having to get stuck on the idea that its not even what you should be doing.

I have had a brainwave. Imagine buying a motor scooter in italy, and making your own tour (aka no plan, make it up as you see it), just go wherever. Stay at relatives', see the sights etc. I could sell it again before i go home.

Off to get a blood test.

I’m back! Following my list for once! Up to point 3 but didn’t do point 2.

Ok crap, what subjects do I take!

I have no goal, really.

What do I do?

Eat.

No, don’t eat, don’t do that, you just got healthy again from eating too much yesterday.

Its raining, I cant even go for my much loved bike ride. Oh well, all you get to see is just streets and more streets and its barely even worth the effort.

I hate the city!

Wow, i so love our flat! I think I've learnt from my flatmates that putting in effort to make your home look homely is totally worth it. If you are considering the expensive nice rug to the crappy cheap one, get the nice one.

You'll be seeing it every day, and you'll forget how much it cost one week after you get it.

Christina: Enrol, doofus.

Penna: In what? Ok talk to dad about subjects, he might have some good input.

Christina: No, don’t do that, i’ve discussed it so much with him. Over it! Just put anything down.

Penna: BUT if I do that though, il end up studying half heartedly and give up like usual, thinking I have to do something else.

Christina: No other option, I don’t have any interest in anything else.

Penna: Put down anything. Enrol now.

Christina Penna (finally united): Okay, I will! Good! Made a focus for myself for the next half hour!

Maybe im just a really lazy person!? Its actually laziness, that’s what it is!

Ok. That’s it, I’m gonna enrol in anything, and stick with it.

I’m going round in circles. I’ve said all this before.

I think I’ll make beef stroganoff tonight.