wRiting and Rochelle

Whilst traveling there are really long periods of waiting. For planes, trains, other people. You never really see that side of it in the photos, or hear about it in stories despite it taking a considerable portion of your day sometimes. Mostly because it's not very interesting externally. Hah imagine that, "Okay so today we are sitting on the train from Austria to Poland. The chairs are checkered and two-toned blue and sink in a bit; not firm as I prefer it." How do I spend my time? In ascending order of time spent (but not in importance): talk, chess, pray, listen to music, write.

Oh I so love writing. At all times of the day and well into the night, as long as possible. I write stuff down constantly now. I'd always liked it as a kid, but used to write because someone made me do it, or to get grades I wanted. 

I'd started so many diaries, but never lasted longer than a few months because I found it so pointless because I knew nobody would read them, or because I'd get frustrated on the days when I had nothing of interest to write. Most of all, i didnt know which chapter of my life to start with. If it was online it's sort of designed to be read. And that was scary. I couldn't get over writing the "perfect first post", the "About me" (whoever invented that question!), or the font and background and even the name. I'd been inspired by lots of different blogs and wanted a set style/genre to write about. I think this one only worked because I didn't even make it ha. Sometimes you just need an initial push to force you to be indifferent about that stuff. Write a crappy first post because it was all pride that stopped you. And I'm glad I got one. So thank you to the other half of this soggy blog.

The first essay I ever wrote was in Year 7 about The Hobbit and I had a cry because I got 4/10. I couldn't understand why. This one had such clear, beautiful and succinct phrases. I now know exactly why. For starters, I'd retold the story. I'm aware that I do that a lot even in this blog. Re-telling is apparently boring for markers. You have to analyse. Say the why of it, and develop your point.

Re-telling is by no means useless though! It just has a time and a place, and a favourite medium. For me it's during conversations because I can add emotion and excitement. You can do this to an extent in writing, but it's one-way.  If you want to re-tell to friends, you of course want them to be entertained because you actually care what they think. So you look out for verbal cues and non-verbal cues in facial expression and body language. This you can only measure during live conversation. You get to use your intuition to perceive things. Ask for prudence. Use judgement accordingly for when to stop or continue. The written word, powerful as it is, can only do so much because humans are objectively such social beings. More on this another day.

Anyway, now I enjoy the writing process itself. They're exercises that force you to try to develop your thoughts so it's not left hanging, or as incoherent. It forces me to be more decisive about what I actually think because the evidence is printed there. With writing, you are forced to try and actually answer your own questions instead of leaving it open. If you don't have any answer, you can get back to it. If it's just in my head it feels so useless. I love punctuation and paragraphs. They're so beautiful. Separating ideas and categorising them. Moving them around. I love editing.

You know that there's a box that patiently asks for the heading, so you try to draw a common theme from what you've already written. Or if you haven't started writing, you work towards what that heading says. Not precisely though, because that's no fun. You can even change it afterwards, but the point is there's a focus. Writing forces my mind to to concentrate on topics that are preferably neutral or positive. If I don't, it'll wanders too aimlessly about.

The second reason I'd failed that essay was because it was just too rigid. I followed her guidelines far too strictly. I remember NERQ (Name, Explain, Relate, Quote) and  that's how I structured every paragraph, in that order. It just didn't flow. I started doing better in my essays when I got rid of the boxy scaffolds and just made mind maps instead, keeping NERQ as a checklist after already having written what I wanted. Oh and I got rid of Q. Just explain the point yourself.

In conclusion (ha) writing's such a good way to express yourself, and is my creative and social outlet here. My favourite type of thinking is thinking by "doing" (stuff). Before writing, I'd always thought out loud with other people, which was why I drew so much energy from being around people (extrovert). That point sounds so selfish.. So I just use people to get my own thoughts across? 

These are things I just have to let out but can't talk about aloud, because there is a very real barrier between me and Anna that prevents me from saying anything. And it's cool because nobody's being forced to listen and feign interest in their faces. Blogging you also get to read at your own time so it's like a "convenient" friendship.

Vodka

Last night I got a bit tipsy on 10 shots of straight 40% vodka, Polish-style. Most relaxed I had felt in ages, and it was just that "people fix" that I'd needed, given I'd spent a whole month with 99% of the words coming from my mouth directed to a single person in fairly unsubstantial conversation. It was a house get-together thing with Anna's extended family and I had thought to put everyone at ease again, since they they really did deserve it from all the stress the day before. "The day before" is the day I will always remember as the absolute worst day of this European holiday. The day shit went so down. Whose fault? Still debatable. Effects still present and tension still there.

Back to last night. Not saying no to refills. Being loud and funny and telling jokes. Awkwardly laughing at the jokes about the day before, even though it still wasn't that funny. Being happy with simple conversations. Finally saying (as opposed to "showing") some of the stuff I thought, as I had never done all month. Defending and justifying myself a bit for previous actions and adding a laugh at the end. Going to sleep in the wee hours as usual, but this time having an attributable reason. Tire myself out a bit so as to have an uninterrupted night's sleep afterwards. Wake up feeling like crap but this time being able to attribute it to a small hangover instead. I'm well aware that I gave all this up months ago. It isn't happiness. It's a temporary bandaid to cover up, and it isn't the kind of life I've chosen to live.

This morning I woke up and got dressed but found that Anna had gone ahead again so I had a late breakfast with her aunt and uncle instead. It was pretty interesting given that they don't speak a word of English and literally all I know how to say is yes, no, cheers, and thank you in Polish. I like the word no because it sounds like you're saying "nyeh". Can't even for the life of me pronounce "hello". They're very nice people and I appreciate all their gestures of kindness. Watched some Polish Pinnochio followed by a cartoon about talking animals in outer space for a couple of hours and spent the entire day in this room, literally just sitting. Feeling so embarrassed and awkward here. I'm constantly wondering what everyone is thinking and saying about me. I know they don't have the full stories and it's killing me not being able to justify myself. I'm not just being paranoid because there have been inconsistencies so just trust me on this one.

Far out! Anna really hates me. So now I hate it. It feels so uncomfortable, I can't stress it enough. I really want to cut Poland short and see my crazy friends in Spain, but with such late notice I won't because I'll look ungrateful, and I promise I'm not. I love her family and get along so well with them. 

If I personally gave you this blog link, it means I really do trust you and please please don't think any less of me for what I've written down as my thoughts. You might have realised that my side of the blog is changing a lot in tone and subject matter. It's becoming a blog I never intended for it to be and it's getting harder and harder for me to click publish. If I even do, it's now always days late, I've realised. But something stops me from deleting all my posts. Why don't I keep a password protected one on my laptop - I know that's the obvious answer. One half of the answer is that I need to write and this is the most consistent I've ever been with a diary and I can't just stop again.

I'm in Vienna. Let's talk about music.

I'm actually in Poland now and have written so much but won't overwhelm you with boredom all at once. Here's one. 

Interest in music is one of the few things that, as I've recently discovered, has remained or even increased. It's 2am and I have got to get this down. I have a question for all my fans out there. Sort of rhetorical, so I don't get disappointed with 0 comments..

Are you supposed to listen to music that corresponds to:

A) how you want to feel (i.e. exact opposite of how you presently feel)

B) how you presently feel

C) all of the above..?

Option (A) just never works and results in me turning it off for want of silence. 

Option (B) is the more favourable choice of course. In these cases I feel a lot better for the entire duration of the songs for all the minutes I'm listening. Though eventually you have to go back to the real world, be polite and turn it off, and then I am actually left feeling even worse because my (wrong?) thoughts  have almost been justified or "understood" (sorry, I can't think of a better word), like you're not the only one. But what good is feeling like that? So the negative thinking continues in a vicious cycle. It often keeps me at this non-transient state of being. Not "moving forward" (Julia Gillard voice). Ergo, not helpful.

It would work like drugs right? By going with the second option, the nice music would induce dopamine release and activate similar reward pathways that illicit drugs would exploit, and because of this reward, it's positively reinforced and you keep wanting more even though it may be bad for you to continue do so. 

(C) I just added for lols.

More options...

- Go for a middle line. Get a song that has melancholic lyrics but in a funky tune so you sort of get the best of both worlds? The other day I went to Haus der Music and sampled CDs of Mozart in various modern remixes (with mixed opinions..) so in this case, I'm thinking Goo Goo Dolls' Soldier lyrics played at Swedish House Mafia's techno fast style. Maybe just listen to The Cranberries' Zombie. Dare you to try and get that song out of your head within 48 hours of first listening.

- Oh or put a different song in each ear and see how well that fares? Says the half-deaf girl.

- Or suck it up and just take option A.

Is this question even worth asking/interesting? Kapische? Hah allow me to entertain myself a little longer.

New line of thought.

What if we applied it like Pavlovian conditioning? Like so,

1. Queue favourite melancholic songs and pair it with the experience of short physical pain like a small electric shock (if unavailable, a simple punch on left side of face will do. No not left, that's my good side).

2. Repeat with 106 songs of a similar genre or band so as to generalise the aversion and its not just an aversion to a specific song.

3. Et voila, you're bound to hate it. Hence will cause you to take option A.

4. Yuck, option A. Problem not solved and I got carried away. Initial premises are illogical and confusing at best. It was fun anyway. If I could just get it past the ethics board..

Oh or maybe try more pleasant positive reinforcement! Like give yourself a good reward for doing good instead of giving punishment for the bad (technically also "positive conditioning" if memory serves me well, but don't need to go into detail). Like the lipanzzer horses today at Spanish Riding School that received cubes of sugar each time they mastered a skill or trick. Hah idiot Rochelle, you are human not a horse, and you have an intellect and a will so use it. The horses' morning exercises were so beautiful to watch for the couple of hours anyway. Magnificent white horses of Europe's oldest breed prancing and dancing to the classical Viennese music of Mozart, Beethoven, Strauss. So light in foot. Horse ballet.

The chandeliers were pretty über cool too. Like if you stare at them for long periods of time and then blink repetitively at the blank white wall and the image magically transposes in green and red onto the wall to light it up and decorate it in swirly neon lines. Bit awkward when people catch you doing it though. Ya spastic.

Up with the fairies

Vienna

Introduction (Weather)

Cold and rainy every day. Cool because you can actually attribute your laziness to get out to the weather.

Day 1

 I ate salad from Maccas, and then navigated myself to the Sigmund Freud's apartment on Bergasse 19. I lost my map on the way but who cares, it was drenched anyway. The rooms and halls were rather dark, and had an eerie, sort of sinister feel to it. Objectively it was full of a collection of some of his interesting antiques and was where he also used to write a lot of his theories and receive his clientele. The famous couch which was designed to facilitate free recall of clients' subconscious wasn't there. I'd hate I someone tried to make sense of the nonsense that I said and tried to make it something that reveals something abiut me. Word vomit, what of it? I know a lot of his psychoanalytic theories are based on shaky and subjective grounds, lack empirical evidence, or are even downright absurd, but I was interested to read about it again all the same. Afterwards I went to Stephensplatz to look at the shops a bit and afterwards for the famous cathedral there where I met Anna so we went to dinner. She ordered some schnitzel and potato salad and I got beef soup. More stuff. Then I went to bed.

Day 2

I pulled a sickie. Anna went to an art gallery somewhere. I don't know what it was called but it sounded like it was really cool and big and famous. In the evening it was still raining but I decided to go to a piano and violin concert in Haus der Music. This is the city of music after all. I got there 45 minutes late because I didn't account for time I would spent lost around the streets and couldn't read the street names properly. It was really beautiful anyway. I love seeing these live because you see how much these musicians are into their craft and become so jealous at their talent and years of dedication to something specific. I was pretty gutted to have missed a lot of it.

Day 3

Today Anna and I went to Schönbrunn palace which I'd been so excited to see because it looks so magnificent on TV whenever they  show live concerts. We had some delicious apple strudel there with cream and custard so that was nice.  The chandeliers were cool too. The interiors of the palace didn't disappoint. It was so beautiful inside and the audio tour was good because you could just listen and walk. In it I was introduced to a new personality to stalk.. Franz Joseph. He was a Catholic emperor of Austria, and was highly dedicated with a strong work ethic and used to call himself First Public Servant to the country. My favourite room had crystal mirrors facing each other with a chandelier in the middle to give the illusion of infinite space and was sort of like inception with its mirrors within mirrors. I had a dream about TVs within TVs once. So I guess this was just like a dream.. Wait, what?

There's also some amazing gardens there that remind me a lot of Versailles, but didn't feel as warm. There was a gloriette, and an awesome huge maze and labyrinth that I'd always wanted to go to and I was imagining it kind of like Goblet of Fire. It's perfect because I could be the lost one on purpose this time, and laugh at other people get lost from the balcony afterwards.

Here is a picture:

Well guess I'll never find out because the moment I tried to get through, I realised I had lost my entrance pass to absolutely everything. And lost Anna in the process of searching for it. Who needs a maze when you're me? The picture is from Google. look I even source it: kandmk.com

Sat around for a couple hours and eventually gave up on it all and went home. I am actually ruining her holiday. See I predicted this. 

Kudos if you got this far. Worried for you.

Italy and people

Firstly, why does the Adversities quote speak to me so much? What adversities? I keep forgetting that they don't actually exist. Because I'm in freaking Europe and it's my dream come true. No uni assessments or work or people to stress about!

Italy and my (limited) experience with people

N.B. not necessary to read unless your name is Rochelle. Floater post. I kind of want to remember these little details from my travels and had to put them somewhere. Plus writing has become my best friend at night and is so much fun.

The hotel keeper in Rome was cool because he had a tiny Italian kid called Gigi whom he named the place after. They reminded me so much of Guido and his son from Life is Beautiful. Every time he opened his mouth I half-expected him to be like "Buon giorno principessa!"

The man at the pizzeria, Andreas was the best. We went to his restaurant three nights in a row in Venice and he was awesome because he was so energetic: singing whilst cooking, asking about our day as we ate, even though we couldn't understand him half the time. On the last day he gave me his address from the brochure so I could send him a carta from Sydney when I'm back haha. Will definitely do so because he bribed me with complimentary cupcakes….

An old lady paid for my bus fare in Bologna because I didn't have shrapnel and the machine only accepted that. Bless her soul. Also, driving is pretty terrible in Italy but it's nice when you're the one in the bus and you claim your right of way over panicky pedestrians for a change hah. Nah it's fun being the pedestrian too. It's such a thrill. I don't know why the drivers always beep at me, because really my jaywalking is actually a compliment to them - a testament to my faith in their driving abilities…

I have caught the wrong intercity trains 4/5 times. Half of those times were accidental and were spent lazily watching long yards of pretty sunflowers. The other half were spent nervously awaiting the guard to get angry at me in Italian or fine me, or someone to kick me off my seat. All of which happened.

Some people yell. One lady actually shouted at me for trying on a leather strap as a bracelet but not buying it. Others are downright greedy. Like the guy who told me the cool hippie thread bracelets he was putting on my wrist were his gifts to me from Africa, and then expected money out of it. That's cool, I thought. Always wanted some of them and I'm cool with donating a bit of charity money because God loves you. 1 euro should do. Wait, I only have a 2 euro coin, so could you please kindly give me 1 euro change? Sure, he says. Here's 1 euro, he says. Instead gives me 50c so I said something a bit nasty, the liar. Another time, I'm alone waiting at the train station so a guy comes up and helps me. Me, scared as crap: umm no gracias (yes, I'm aware that's in Spanish). Doesn't work of course, so I let him. Later… Aw that was nice of you (even though I know you just want my money). Here have 2 euros. Run along and buy yourself a nice gelato. But no, he wants 5 euros? Hah. I ran away like a true villain, but really slowly because my backpacks were on me. 

Bologna was really cool because it was random and really typically old Italian I think, and not as touristy. And orange everywhere. There were these two adjacent obelisks next to each other and one of them was sort of leaning, super cool. Venice is one of the most amazing places I've ever been to, and not over-rated at all. The cathedrals and streetscapes were equally stunning. Funky shops. The windows and awnings were charming and admirable from below, even whilst ditching the dust and pilling that the old lady a couple of floors above was aiming at you. Map not required because it's inevitable that you'll get lost anyway. But who cares, you'll forget all your annoyances when you see the next canal bridge yonder. Just follow and be cool with it. I even met a friend I didn't know would be there. Appreciate the coincidences and soak it all in. The other tourists, the signs, the pretty alleyway. My kind of thing.

Bologna and Venezia

I'm actually a poet.

Facades and expectations

Alternative to reality

Cara no es la realidad

Eccentric real smile

Broken teeth, smaller eyes

Oh yes I did try just then

Okay don't smile for cameras

Keep smile for people

Quo Vadis? Part I

Rome.

The name itself is so majestic and I can't stop smiling every once in a while whenever I realise I was actually there. In five days we saw as much as we possibly could, and I'm pretty sure we did pretty well. Our legs ached at the end of every night, but everything was so worth it. We walked into every single cathedral and basilica that we passed, and there were many. How tremendously beautiful they all are here, I don't see how anyone could ever get used to it. I personally loved the ones that were baroque in style, like Santa Maria Magiorre. The small chapels within them. Marble, gold, the wonderful detail in ceilings built so high as to be close to the heavens. The Pantheon was awesome too. I didn't know that it had been pretty much converted into a Basilica.

I loved all that was left of the buildings and the frescoes. The tall columns and rocks and ruins, adjacent to cobblestone roads, and blending in with some more modern buildings. I always tried to imagine what it would have looked like, but it's hard and I end up having to make mental notes to look up high-tech building reconstructions on Google.

Again there was so much waiting. We waited in line for tickets to the Colosseum and the Roman forum, and for the Vatican Museum and Sistine Chapel we waited two hours under the sun in a queue that stretched for about three streets-long (ha so informative, my awesome measurement scale, but you do the math). It's definitely a place I have to come back to. It was a maze and in Summer, everyone is just too close together to be able to appreciate it fully, I think. The Sistine Chapel was stunning to say the least. A real neck-strainer to be able to see the details of the ceilings and I think I'll bring a mirror so I can just view the reflections next time, whilst still transposing it in my head because I'm brilliant like that. 

I trudged off again and did the Museum without Anna.. It's one of those things I think I prefer to do at my own pace. We ended up meeting at St Peter's anyway at the end of the day, with me being late and missing Mass because I overestimated my manipulative abilities of ditching the queue by convincing the guards of my holy Catholicness. Heck, even the nuns had to queue. I like Europe. There are so many lessons and exercises that I now know I'm meant to learn and put into practice here. More on that some other time. Maybe. By no means am I saying that I've learnt them, but still a while to go. A lifetime in fact, but it's good to identify them all the same, and that's what I'm doing here. Narrowing it down. I think when I actually have the nerve to read back on this blog though, it'll possible to see all the defects right off the bat.

But the rest of the Museum was really lovely and was something of an artwork in itself, and had something for everyone. Ancient Greek and Roman and Egyptian artefacts and all kinds of artworks. I loved some of the contemporary art there, especially because one dude's name was Rufino Tamayo. I'm starting to appreciate contemporary art and surrealism a lot more because it's just so, well, original and conceptualised. Like I think there might be more of a mental thinking process going on than I had initially thought, because the outcome is often hardly recognisable to the original so there's a little more room for creativity and I've just got to know what was in their mind at the time for creating the piece the way they did. I'm sort of getting into biographies as well. Short ones at the moment, because that's all I can get hold of. How do other people live their lives? What milestones would I add for mine?

Vatican City. Wooo so we went to the smallest country thing in the world. What can I say? The Swiss guards are pretty hot… Why didn't anyone tell me? Especially when they walk and their colourful costume things flutter brilliantly in the wind haha. No it was an amazing place. Amazing, extraordinary, fantastical, whimsical. I'm running out of adjectives but I'm going by the mini-note lists I made on my iPhone and writing about events that happened one week ago, and my stories seem to have a best-before date. I think it's because Myer-Briggs tells me I'm a feeler. I've always hated the label but now it's growing on me. The more I resent it, or even care, the more it shows how correct it actually is. And I'm far too proud to admit that Myer and Briggs know me better. Try and see how that point drew on from/ was relevant to the last one, because I can't.

One other day I got myself completely lost walking around the city from Piazza dell Populo when I was trying to find the Centre here (can I just stress again how hot it is here?). After missing a turn and going for 30 minutes further until spotting the statue of Jose Rizal in Via Manila (woo so patriotic), I had to turn around and redirect myself. But it was such a coincidence because when I got to the door, there were a group of Aussie girls there who'd just done the exact same mistakes as I had. Then we did the whole "wait, I actually know you" thing because we'd gone to the same high school. Small small world. The church there is actually underground, it's amazing. It was also a slightly facet of the Work that I hadn't seen before.


Rome really is a city that doesn't sleep. I loved the night times because that's different when we could have some great dinner, and afterwards people seemed to hang out at the piazzas (also a brilliant concept), sitting on the pretty nearby fountains to celebrate the setting of the sun and appreciate the coolness of the night. Speaking of fountains, the Trevi Fountain was pretty cool, if not a bit crowded. I chucked a useless penny in there (I need all the wishes I can get) and got weird looks. Turns out you should actually be wishing for love, and throwing it from behind your back. What now?

(Christina) Scrabble.

Yes, my blog names are getting worse. They are starting to not even make sense to me.

Ok so at the moment I don’t think it would be a good idea to try and string words together in a comprehensable way. I am also increasingly falling in love with writing lists.

So I will write some mumbojumbo things and see if sense can be made out of nonsense. I don’t think so, unless the sense was already there to start off with and was just hidden under apparent nonsense.

- Friends, balance, schoolwork                       

- Thanking God for taking care of me and giving me so much hope, clarity and positivity the past few weeks.

- Slapping oneself in the face when feeling hopeless and focusless. Hm that reminds me.. let me see if i can find that picture of an orange walking the wrong way. Found it. Look at his feet, they are facing backwards. I find it appealingly confusing.                               

- Never complain unless it is amusing or the other person can relate and therefore feel interested and can contribute to a conversation instead of a monologue.    

- Never bitch, it comes back to haunt you.   

- Give yourself a set amount of work to get done; goals promote tenacity          

- Exercise daily. It does wonders to your mental energy.

- Don't get into arguments with people; learn to laugh at oneself and remember that it looks important to make your point now, but retrospectively it is not important enough to outweigh the importance of maintaining peace.

- Learn to love the taste of humble pie    

- Eat what I want because I hate anal dieting retards  

- rubix cube    

- coffee             

- early nights   

- early mornings         

- productivity              

- getting in trouble from friends and family for being pathetic at keeping in touch

- praying (why the hell did I take so long to write this one)     

- this list is deteriorating. I'm not sure how to categorise it now.     

- mass  

- falling asleep during mass              

- talking in sign language to toddlers in mass

- Suddenly ignoring the toddlers and breaking their hearts during the consecration

- Swallowing pen lids 

- Avoiding my chemistry lab instructor because I don’t know why, but he makes me nervous, and I say things that are stupid when I am around him. For example,

Him: ‘Christina, have you finished? Why are you leaving?’

Idiot: ‘Oh no I am not have I have not yet finished my labrador …sorry laboratory, I am just going to get my calculator from outside my bag…sorry its actually inside my bag which is outside the room to calculate this calculate.. sorry calculator..no sorry calculation.’

Then again,

Him: ‘Hello Christina! Did your copper solidify?’

Idiot: ‘Yes.’

Him: ‘Where is it, I need to see if it worked.’

Idiot: ‘I mistook it for instant coffee and I mixed it with hot water and drank it.’

Him: ‘You’re a crunchy. Blonde on the inside, you know.’

Idiot: ‘No, now I’m reddish brown on the inside, because I drank copper.’

Ok, that second conversation was a bit edited, I got carried away.

This is the reason why it is always safer to convince oneself that one hates everyone; as soon as you like someone, you are a complete delinquent.

He also passed me as i was walking back from gym one day all sweaty and looking stoned, and then as if it couldn’t get worse, a bird shat on my arm just as I passed him.

Its like, maybe nature is telling me he is gay or something to save me the hassle of finding it out for myself.

Because I cant imagine nature would be ruining my chances out of spite; I am on Nature’s good side.

Apart from ripping off leaves and branches while walking past them, and stepping on ants, and watering the pot plants with turps.

(Fyi, I don’t actually like my chemistry lab demonstrator, I just like his nose and strange mannerisms that remind me of Where’s Wally. But it is enough to make me aware of my blunders infront of him, and my patheticness entertains me)

I should probably go and do my maths. I love maths, like every single time I sit down with my maths book I am in awe as to how concise and bloody neat it all is; and how there is absolutely point blank zero ‘learn by immersion’ or extra wordy sort of crap that you need to bother about.

What is the opposite of bullshit? It is that.

Hahahaha lol jokes im stuck on the first question. I hate maths, what is the point.

Burn by Elle goulding is a damn good song. Also, ‘settle down’ by kimbra.

Thankye one and all for reading.

When you have so much to write so you quote someone else instead

"What's on your mind?" asks Facebook curiously. The cursor blinks and waits almost too patiently. 

Twelfth Chapter: The Value of Adversity

"IT IS good for us to have trials and troubles at times, for they often remind us that we are on probation and ought not to hope in any worldly thing. It is good for us sometimes to suffer contradiction, to be misjudged by men even though we do well and mean well. These things help us to be humble and shield us from vainglory. When to all outward appearances men give us no credit, when they do not think well of us, then we are more inclined to seek God Who sees our hearts. Therefore, a man ought to root himself so firmly in God that he will not need the consolations of men." 

(Imitation of Christ)

But long 'doing' post for next time I promise. I'll see if I can catch up, and add lots of adjectives and even throw in a picture (yayness!)

Faces

Rome is pretty cool. I keep imagining the native modern locals as their ancient counterparts. What profession they would have had if they were born a couple of thousands of years previous. The tattoo guy would obviously have been a gladiator, or a military commander with his macho arms and Greco-Roman nose. Yeah I could definitely picture him in a man-dress. Others I can just see sitting on a black person and yawning whilst popping olives in their mouths and wearing leafy headbands on their heads. I don't understand the beggars' Italian but it all sounds the same, much like "Beware the Ides of March". In some of these people you can sort of picture a modern day genius. You might be seeing the closest live faces to da Vinci and Michelangelo.

Talking rubbish, here have a picture

(Christina) worst blog, not funny or cool. read it anyway or il get my mafia cousins onto you

So I have been very much putting off posting. I realise that the longer I wait to post something, the less likely it is that I will end up posting.

Also i am reading chelectricity's posts and she is having a damn good time on the other side of the world and i don't think my happenings are really very exciting compared to climbing arnold shwortsnigga mountains. Stupid last name, i decided to spell it phonetically as any 19 year old kindergarten student would. 

Anyway so how have you been Penna!?

How is uni, what are you studying, what is life like now that you are back to normal Penna like you were just before January this year began to make you a big fat emotional screw up.

Well! I am so back on track and it is insanely good. Not that I enjoy studying, or am in any way successful at it.

Nope, im already horribly behind and spend a lot more time ‘cleaning up’ and dancing to music than I do at my desk.

I also sleep on my desk, and study on my bed. It works better this way since I have more motivation to do something when i am not meant to be doing it. So i can only sleep when I'm meant to be studying and vice versa.

Anyways, the difference between being a shitty student and being a quitter student is that I have made a decision to do a science degree and come out as a maths or chemistry teacher, so I've progressed from quitter to shitty.

It was a profession I was always bent on doing as a kid, then I got unexpectedly high marks at school and thought it was ‘beneath me’ to be a teacher.

Stuff you, ego.

Whatever excuses I made for ‘wanting to do something harder than teaching’, like ‘oh I want to reach my full potential’ etc were all lies to avoid the truth that I thought I was made for bigger and better things.

I now have a goal that is reachable for a normal human being like i now see i am. I also have a crapload of units to catch up on, since I started mid year and want to double major in chemistry and maths. I have to do summer school, meaning I cant go away. I will live with Georgia at the flat again, and study on the beach.

Last time I did that I got sand through my calculator and it now tells me everything I enter is an error.

I am still jittery and anxious because that is the way I will always be but deep down I have a huge peace with God. I realise that the struggle that time ago was necessary. I don’t even know why, but it has made me come out a more realistic, less perfectionistic person.

Perfection lies in the other world, not this one, and it burns us out to become nuts over searching it. God gives wisdom and understanding in his own time.

Even now, I could stress as I used to about study, about being a teacher, my flaws, how I’d hate this and that about it, about next year and who I live with and things.

But I sort of entrust it to God. It doesn’t provide a solution to your search to trust in God; he wont drop a lightbulb on your face. But being in the dark means he wants you to wait for him to lead you out eventually, but not when you choose. Half the time you don’t even know what is happening til after its happened. Like now. Why cant I concentrate on any of my work?

I am seriously so slow in the brain. I am doing stuff I aced in year 11 and taking a whole day to get through 1 question.

Plus this is meant to be a degree that is below my level, according to HSC.

Does he want me to learn humility?

I don’t know. I am just gonna plod on and I will see later on, looking back. You don’t have to know how God is taking care of you, for him to take care of you.

Ohhhhhhhh hahaha crap. Im going to the warrane ball. Crap. Why do I get myself in these situations. I hate getting dressed up. I will have to find a dress and argh my hair these days

That fringe is growing out BUT ITS GROWING STRAIGHT how the HELL could straightening it all of last year make the dna change permanantly….!

So last night I was a bit hyperactive and jittery and I was just eating a carrot at 3am and solving my rubix cube when all of a sudden I hear the washing machine song whining away. And I think, ok someone broke into creston to do their washing. I better go save the day and reduce our water costs by busting them.

So I get up from sitting on the heater and put on a couple of jumpers and venture out of my room

Oh wait I give up on that story

Its really late and im tired as anything

This is quite an imcomplete post

Let me quickly tell you some other things. It wont take long I promise because currently my hand is close to getting a cramp because the laptop is in a weird spot on my pillow and its awkward typing. I could move it but yeah no

Ummm things

So

1.     I’m now officially a gym junkie; I go for an hour a day and im sort of addicted and could potentially end up spending the majority of my day there if im not careful and then il come out in summer time with protruding ribs.

2.     I go til Im close to fainting. If I don’t use up all the energy I have I don’t sleep that night, so I really have no choice. Like today, I didn’t get to go, so now my brain and eyes are tired as shit but my legs wont stop moving; I feel like sprinting.

3.     I am so incredibly grateful for my friends. I still wonder how it is that a little boring self conscious awkward introvert like me could be given such a deep level of friendship with people whose characters are so beautiful.

4.     I have no friends at uni as of yet. I go into my lectures biased though; I purposely sit apart from them all.

5.     The only time I decided to be sociable, I ended up talking to an indie girl who immediately jumped on the fact that I quit medicine, told me she is desperately spending her energy on getting in, and told me I am an idiot for losing this opportunity that only comes to a select few of the world.

6.     We had an hour d and m on life and then we parted; me leaving her with doubt about her decision to do medicine, and her leaving me with doubt about my decision to leave it. Neither of us even exchanged names, we just said bye and all the best. Hah weird. I went home and punched the pillow and ate a carrot, and did a few pushups; I was angry at myself for quitting medicine.

7.     Party this weekend, shit what do I wear what do I get for a gift

8.     Warrane ball in a few weekends, shit why did I say yes, what do I wear, how do I act sociable and walk in heels, how do I do my hair

9.     Im behind in my work, im behind in my work argh I wake up feeling guilty but hey its ok just keep working; im slow but my brain will catch up; put more effort come on penna

10. That’s it im going to sleep