Vanity of vanities

Jokes, I don't hate being alone. I love it. Oh loneliness, why would I ever deny you? You're the reason I stay up all night, because that's when I have you all to myself. Selfishness? I think so. The occupation of your mind for the entertainment of useless thoughts about your own defects is an act of selfishness, should faith and hope be lacking. So much so that I've come up with a better word for it: vanity. In an unconventional form. 

Some old notes.

I'm becoming the intense kid I used to be growing up, before I got all relatively laid back in senior and at uni. Which is the real me? (Ha) I'm the same person, with my funness rating in direct proportion to the quantity of people in my regular friendship circle. So, is my want of loneliness the cause of all this, or the effect? Lol I'm actually serious, I'm aware of how lame that all sounds. Now I'm a polar opposite in terms of interests, but no one seems to see it as clearly as I can, so it makes me question the veracity of the statement. It's possible that it's all just internal. 

I'm reading into it too much, I know. I used to compare myself to other people. It's a more normal thing to do. But now, for every move and motive, I'm constantly comparing myself to myself before. How I used to like certain things. I still remind myself in dramatic whispering voice that "I've changed". It's these discrepancies between my own previous and current interests that I'm constantly looking out for and analysing. These discrepancies are what have actually been working me up more than anything else, I think. More than anything real. Not being able to cope normally with it because I make myself far too self-aware of it.

Queue dramatic voice again. "Acceptance is the answer". Accept that you've changed, but for the better. And leave it at that. Be comfortable with that change. Everyone changes, not just you. Humans constantly grow and evolve with age and experience. You hate the person you used to be. She was materialistic and even more (conventionally) vain and restless, but less aware of it or otherwise simply indifferent. Compare yourself to someone better.