(Christina) Hello UNSW! Have we met...?

24/07/2013

Dear Google,

I have been communicating with you quite frequently as of late, and I wanted to just let you know that I feel your input into our friendship is not adequate.

I ask important, detailed questions and I expect accurate and comprehensive advice in return.

I have asked you question after question, for example, ‘what do I do with my life’, and ‘how to get over yourself and help others’ and ‘how to stop thinking and start acting’ etc.

Your replies just aren’t personal enough, I’m sorry to say. Too many forums with others asking the same questions and no ready made answers. Please do something about this or I will have to consult a human instead.

Sincerely,

Penna Banana

SO anyways. Back to reality.

I have like a billion bags just sitting around the apartment. Luckily no one is at home so I can pack as I usually do; by emptying everything everywhere, using up heaps and heaps of room, and eventually putting it back together in some sort of temporary ‘order’ in bags.

I thought, OK! I can have one bag for tops, one for pants etc, but then I realised my jumpers needed one and a half bags, so it messed up the whole system and now theres a bit of everything in each bag. No clue where anything is.

I have to somehow take all these bags to creston.

Don’t have a car, don’t have a bus ticket.

I was fully planning on doing 3 or 4 walking trips but its bloody cold outside.

ARGH ok let me just go for it.

*** ***

Okay so several hours later im back.

Just took a while figuring it out like one of those brain teasers, and was thinking of how to take the bags in the minimum amount of trips possible; found it was 3.

Which meant one trip was 2 huge bags AND my guitar. I thought I may as well start with the hardest load. So there I was with 2 hands and 3 handles to carry trying to get to randwick for a bus ticket.

Several swear words and embarrassing falls later I get to creston. It’s a bit sad moving my stuff from the apartment back to uni. 

And feels like I'm going backwards in my life to be moving back into the same college, starting a new degree for the 3rd time and knowing I've wasted 2 years of your life due to my lack of motivation for living, stuck, in the imperfect real world that everyone else lives in, preferring my entertaining thoughts that can take me anywhere. 
All the while, I am waiting for a piano to fall on me; that huge event that I expect to instantly change me, and set me in my place in life, curing me from searching.

Am i ever going to stick with anything? Or keep on my toes for want of THE PATH in life i am 'perfectly suited to' which in reality probably doesn't exist? Hah, i know the answer. 

It relates to faith in God. And it means I have to have humility and patience to be okay with the PROGRESS at the pace He allows. To start where I am and live in the skin I've been given.
I just have to keep up my apparently unfruitful attempts at living fully present for others, ignoring my incessant restlessness that has been with me my entire life.

Going to bed. Goodnight.

*** ***

25/07/2013

New day! Today I am transforming my life. Into a normal woman instead of a pathetic hermit. Gonna learn how to use make up and buy some, and then set up my room at Creston College really decoratively instead of blank walls like my rooms of the past 19 years of my life (never occurred to me that it was necessary to make it look good)

THEN force UNSW to fit me into their overflowing music class

TONIGHT go out to the new Coco Cubano car tonight on campus with my friends for some chitchat over a smooth wine; sitting under dimmed lighting in the classy bar of warm wooden and brass tones. Crossed legs, hair in place, slow jazz.

I enjoy imagining that scene more than living it actually, cos in reality I’d probably get caught up wondering if the people on the inside of this bar act the same as they do Monday to Friday outside the bar, or if they adapt their behaviour to match the scene;

and then I’d lose track of my friends’ conversation.

How the hell was I even blessed with such incredibly good hearted friends I will never know, but I thank God for it every day, and I hope that they will not see how pathetic I am and leave me.

I still have one subject left to take at uni. Trying to expand my interests; see if there is this perfect subject area that I absolutely love that I haven't discovered yet. Maybe im artsy not sciencey…? I've always done science because its safe and i know i can do it, but the arts are more interesting. Science only gets interesting with the higher levels of physics- relativity and shit.

So far: chemistry, music, psychology, maybeeee physics…?

ADIOS, MACBOOK AIR

BIENVENIDA, REAL LIFE